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content/drafts/jo_sensei.md

@@ -1,70 +1,108 @@
 +++
 title = "Remembering Jo sensei"
-date = 2024-07-27
-description = "A post in honor of a dear mentor who earnestly believed in her students."
+date = 2024-08-11
+description = "In honor of a dear mentor who earnestly believed in her students."
 [extra]
 featured = true
 short_title = "Jo sensei"
 +++
 
-A week ago, I was deeply saddened to learn the passing of my dear
-mentor Yoshiko Jo, commonly referred to as Jo sensei, who was a Senior
-Lecturer in Swarthmore College's Japanese department. Swarthmore
-College wrote a [rememberance
+**Note: This post contains topics such as death and grief.**
+
+A couple of weeks ago, I was deeply saddened to learn the passing of
+my dear mentor Yoshiko Jo. She was a Senior Lecturer in Swarthmore
+College's Japanese department, commonly referred to as Jo sensei.
+Swarthmore College wrote a [rememberance
 post](https://www.swarthmore.edu/news-events/honor-senior-lecturer-japanese-yoshiko-jo),
-but I also wanted to share how much of a wonderful mentor she was, and
-how she made a lasting impact on me. My original text for this post is
-written in Japanese, which you can find at the bottom of this post.
+but I also wanted to share a couple of my own words on how much of a
+wonderful mentor she was. My original text for this post is written in
+Japanese, which the (very few) Japanese readers of this post can find at
+the bottom.
 
 Jo sensei always brought a warm and energetic energy everywhere she
 went. Even though I never got to take her classes, my friends always
 told me about how much fun they were having in Jo sensei's second year
-Japanese class, or in her Japanese reading class. As for me, I mainly
-got to know Jo sensei through volunteering for the Japanese department
-and being the co-president of Kizuna (Swarthmore's Japanese cultural
-club). Jo sensei was also like a family friend to me given some close
-ties to my relatives.
+Japanese class, or in her Japanese reading class. I mainly got to know
+Jo sensei through volunteering for the Japanese department and being
+the co-president of Kizuna (Swarthmore's Japanese cultural club). Jo
+sensei was also like a family friend to me given some close ties to my
+relatives.
 
 I have many memories with Jo sensei, but a special memory was from
-last summer (2023). As I also say in some other posts, grad school is
-a difficult time for everyone. But, the summer of 2023 was when I was
-feeling that "difficult time" the most (so far, but fingers crossed).
-I decided to visit Swarthmore to ask my mentors for advice and
-encouragement. When I contacted Jo sensei, she kindly invited me to
-her home for dinner.
+last summer (2023). As I also say in other posts, I believe grad
+school is a difficult time for everyone, and people are affected by
+the challenges of grad school in different ways. The summer of
+2023 was when I felt that "difficult time" the most<!--, and my mental
+health was heavily impacted-->. I decided to visit Swarthmore to ask my
+mentors for advice and encouragement. When I contacted Jo sensei, she
+kindly invited me to her home for dinner.
 
 <!-- The difficulties of grad school made me quite literally feel like
 I became an empty shell of my former self. -->
 
-Jo sensei greeted me with her big smile and energetic voice as usual.
+Jo sensei greeted me with her usual big smile and energetic voice.
 What I thought would be a short dinner turned into a five hour
 conversation along with some of the tastiest salad I've ever had in my
 life (along with other lovely dishes), cupcakes, lots of laughter,
 some crying, and generally so much warmth. I remember feeling so much
 joy at our dinner that I just hadn't felt in a really long time. We
-talked about fun topics like Jo sensei's exciting travel plans, or her
-cooking recommendations, but she also listened to me very sincerely
-when I opened up to her about my grad school struggles. She also
-offered her opinions and advice, which I am very grateful for.
-
-A part of our conversation that struck me deeply was when I shared
-with Jo sensei that I feel like I've lost hope in myself, that the
-glimmer and excitement that I felt when I first started grad school
-was completely gone. Upon hearing this, Jo sensei paused, and then
-very clearly told me that the glimmer is still there. She firmly said
-that the glimmer may be a bit dimmer at the moment, but it's
-definitely still there, you're working through it, and things will be
-ok. At the time, I couldn't fully believe her words, but I felt the
-a bit of the weight being lifted off my shoulders.
-
+talked about fun topics like Jo sensei's exciting travel plans, a
+running competition at Swat she was a part of, or her cooking
+recommendations, but she also listened very sincerely when I opened up
+to her about my grad school struggles.
+
+In a particular moment, I shared with Jo sensei that I feel like I've
+lost <!--hope in myself, that--> the glimmer and excitement that I felt when
+I first started grad school<!-- was completely gone-->. Upon hearing this, Jo
+sensei paused, and then very clearly told me that the glimmer is still
+there. She firmly said that the glimmer may be a bit dim at the
+moment, but it's definitely still there, and things will be ok. At the
+time, I couldn't fully believe her words, but I felt some weight being
+lifted off my shoulders.
+
+Through the dinner, Jo sensei gave me the energy to keep moving
+forward, and recalled her memories of my personality and strengths
+that I felt like I lost. She reminded me that there are many paths in
+life I could take, but at the end of the day I'll be okay. And for a
+first time in a long while, a fraction of my brain was able to believe
+that.
+
+I fondly look back on this memory an year later, realizing that Jo
+sensei was right. It took some time, some uncertainty, and a lot of
+pain, but I am now back, carving a new path in my grad school journey.
+The original glimmer in my eyes may not be back, but I feel like
+there's a different, new kind of glimmer in my eyes. I'm still the
+same person, but I feel like I've regained the part of myself that Jo
+sensei so passionately reminded me about. And most importantly, at the
+end of the day, I'm okay.
+
+I will always be immensely thankful to Jo sensei for believing in me,
+even, or _especially_, when I couldn't believe in my own self.
+
+In one of our last email conversations, Jo sensei said I was always
+welcome to visit, and she is always rooting for me. I so dearly wish I
+could visit Jo sensei again with some cupcakes, ask about her
+adventures both in and outside Swat, and share with her about the
+specifics of my new research, the class that I taught and all the fun
+I had with it, and all the other wonderful things in my life. Most
+importantly, I wish I got to thank her in person and tell her how much
+her encouragement means to me.
+
+For now, I will hold my memories with Jo sensei close to my heart. I
+plan to continue on my path with the hopes that one day I'll have a
+role helping people learn Computer Science. If and when that happens,
+I will do my best to pay it forward by believing in my students the
+same way Jo sensei did for me.
+
+Thank you so much, Jo sensei.
 
 原文 (Original Text)
 
 ７月２０日に、スワスモア大学でお世話になっていた城佳子（じょう　よしこ）先生が亡くなりました。彼女の授業を直接取りませんでしたが、日本語学科のボランティアをしていたこともあり、当時会長をしていた絆というクラブだったり、私の親戚のご縁だったり、いろんな線を通してとてもお世話になっていました。
 
 じょう先生は、本当に太陽のように暖かく、元気な人でした。とっても素敵なじょう先生という人の話をしたくて、ブログという形で話してよいのか、とかもよくわからなくなりながらも想いを綴ることにしました。少し修正するかもしれませんが、多少下手な日本語は見逃してもらえると助かります。
 
-じょう先生を思い出すエピソードはそれはまた山のようにありますが、一つ自分の中でとても強く覚えている思い出について話したいと思います。去年（２０２３年）の夏、私は大学院のプレッシャーや、過労からかなりのスランプ、というか、うつ病に近い状況になってしまって、一時的に大学院を休み、実家へ帰ってました。毎日、自分がもう空っぽで、ろくでもない、っていう風に思ってしまっていました。人にメールを書くのも大変、人と話をするのも大変、そんな毎日でした。でもスワスモアの先生方とならお話できるかな、って思って数日間スワスモアへ訪問することにしました。そこで、じょう先生へ声をかけたら、ぜひ夜ご飯を食べに来てください、と招いてくれました。
+じょう先生を思い出すエピソードはそれはまた山のようにありますが、一つ自分の中でとても強く覚えている思い出について話したいと思います。去年（２０２３年）の夏、私は大学院のプレッシャーや、過労からかなりのスランプに陥ってしまって、一時的に大学院を休み、実家へ帰ってました。毎日、自分がもう空っぽで、ろくでもない、っていう風に思ってしまっていました。人にメールを書くのも大変、人と話をするのも大変、そんな毎日でした。でもスワスモアの先生方とならお話できるかな、って思って数日間スワスモアへ訪問することにしました。そこで、じょう先生へ声をかけたら、ぜひ夜ご飯を食べに来てください、と招いてくれました。
 
 じょう先生はいつものように、元気な笑顔と、ハキハキとした声で私を迎えてくれました。気づいたら、私も元気な気持ちになってきて、いろんな話をしていたらなんと５時間近く話し込んでました。その夏、そんなに長い間一緒にお話できたのは、じょう先生が初めてでした。美味しいご飯の作り方とか、先生が計画していたハワイ旅行や、いろんな楽しい話もしましたが、私の大学院でしてきた辛い思いや、葛藤についてもじょう先生はとても真剣に聞いてくれました。特に覚えているのが、私が密かにすごく気にしていたことについて話したことでした。私はじょう先生に「大学院に入りたてのころの私は、これからする研究とか、大学院生活とか、そんなものにいっぱい希望を持ちながら、キラキラとした目をしていたはずなのに、今は私はキラキラを一つも感じない。これから入る新入生を想像すると、キラキラとした目をしているんだろうな、って思って、それが羨ましくて、同時にそう思う自分がとても哀れでたまらない」というような話をしました。そうしたら、じょう先生は少し考えてから、きっぱりと、「あやかちゃんにもそのキラキラは残っている」って言ってくれました。今は少し見えにくいけど、そのキラキラは確かにそこにあるから、大丈夫、とはっきりと言ってもらえて、当時は完璧には信じられなかったけど、少し救われた気持ちになりました。もちろん、そのキラキラの話だけではなく、じょう先生の中の私についての思い出を教えてもらいながらいろんな励ましの言葉をもらいましたが、じょう先生がくれたエールは、今でも私の大事な一部です。いろんなスワスモアの教授から励ましや、復帰へのアドバイスをもらいましたが、じょう先生の言葉は本当に特別で、あの時ギリギリでもじょう先生に声をかけてよかった、じょう先生に会えて、話をしてもらって、本当によかったと思ったことは今でも覚えています。
 
@@ -76,4 +114,4 @@ a bit of the weight being lifted off my shoulders.
 
 じょう先生と思い出話をしたり、「どうにかなりましたよーーーー」ってこの一年の話を詳しく教えたり、先生としてのアドバイスを聞いたり、もうできないことがとてもとても寂しいです。でも、じょう先生に出会えて、じょう先生から暖かい言葉をたくさんもらって、信じてもらえて、本当によかったです。これは全部、これからも私の大切な思い出です。本当にありがとうございました。
 
-謹んでお悔やみを申し上げます。
+ご冥福をお祈りします。