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Jokes.txt
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Jokes.txt
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SOURCES - www.rd.com, www.countryliving.com, parade.com
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.
Why can't you trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
Can a dog jump higher than a house?
Well, duh. Houses can’t jump.
How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.
What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.
What do you call drunk Pandavas?
High-Five.
Why did the student do multiplication problems on the floor?
The teacher told him not to use tables.
What are ten things you can always count on?
Your fingers.
What's Harry Potter's favorite method of getting down a hill?
Walking... JK, Rolling.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Robin, get in the car.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they'd still be on the boat.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
What did one plate whisper to the other plate?
Dinner is on me.
Which hand is better to write with?
Neither, it’s better to write with a pen.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.
What washes up on really small beaches?
Micro-waves.
Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle?
Because he is always lion.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
They work on many levels.
My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store.
I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
Why do some couples go to the gym?
Because they want their relationship to work out.
Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears—11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft.
I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.
Where do fruits go on vacation?
Pear-is!
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut!
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.
What country's capital is growing the fastest?
Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They might crack up!
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner!
What did one hat say to the other hat?
You stay here, I'll go on ahead!
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged!
Why did the math book look sad?
Because it had too many problems!