subgenius

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Make them pay as much as they think they can afford. (1953)
~ J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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You won't appreciate it if you don't pay for it. (1953, said to "Kitten" Anderson)
~ J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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You'd PAY to know what you REALLY think. (1961)
~ J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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The dicks you can't see are always longer. (1957, in his cups in a bar after discovering his wife Connie had been having an affair.)
~ J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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I'm going to ask you to exercise glands you never knew existed. (ibid)
~ J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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Any time you can tape record a fart, you should.* (1991(!) memo) (ibid)
~ J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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WHO DIED AND MADE YOU GOD? (ibid)
~ J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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Eternal Salvation — Or TRIPLE your money back!
~ J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I'm preaching to!"
~ J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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There IS no God — but if you're any kind of real American, you'll demand that He treat you as an EQUAL.
~ J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
(Revelation X: The "Bob" Apocryphon, said to a child in 1956 at the dedication of the first Home for Slackless Children)
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If it were not for the Discordians, I never would have set the Church loose on the world -- for I know that they will always be around to DESTROY IT if it gets OUT OF HAND.
~ J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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The real role of the Church of the SubGenius is to completely destroy the Conspiracy of the Normals. But don't repeat that, ever. (July 1953)
~ J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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"Should" ain't "is".
~ "Bob" talking to his son Adam Kadmon after Adam's first date
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As he knows, "Bob" is merely an enema for a constipated society.
~ Mark Mothersbaugh at Subcon 1981 or 1982, 7:09
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Moses parted the Red Sea, Oppenheimer split the atom, but "Bob" cut the crap.
~ Steve Antczak
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The love of "Bob" can kill normals.
~ Rev. Ivan Stang, "The Rant of Ivan Stang Nov. 9, 1985" 3.46
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I hope BOB doesn't come tonight.
~ Laura Palmer (The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, 22 July 1984.  Palmer starting writing in her diary about the spirit of "Bob" (usually written as "BOB") appearing in the flesh exactly six months after his death on 21 January 1984.  There is debate about whether this was actually J.R. "Bob" Dobbs or a doppelgänger. Or a bobbelgänger)
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Maybe BOB knows God, and that is why he always knows what I am feeling inside. God must be telling him what to do to me. God wants me not to be afraid, maybe, of being dirty. If I'm not afraid, he'll take me to heaven. I hope so.
~ Laura Palmer (The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, 22 June 1986)
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See "Bob"'s pretty slick. He's like the opposite of neutral.
~ Dr. Agon Fly at 2005 teX-DAY Survival Drill and Devival, 1.24
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I don't care! As "Bob" as my witness, I'm never gonna use that potty again!
~ Chuckie in "Chuckie vs. The Potty", episode of RugRats
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"Bob" said that the real role of the church was to completely destroy the Conspiracy of the Normals, which would also Involve destroying the concept of money. Unfortunately, It's going to take a hell of a lot of money to do that. So, In the big picture, we're supposed to take over and control, or else destroy, the world. Simple. Like any other religion.
~ Mavericks of the Mind: David Jay Brown & Sherry Hall Interview Reverend Ivan Stang
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Sometimes it takes an asshole to bring all your shit together."
~ JoX the Bobtist (1814 - 1941)
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"From now on, as of this moment, you can do whatever you want."
 ~  Rev. Willie at Slack Attack Devival, Dallas
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"The toad may stand in the rain day and night, but its skin will never be smooth."
 ~  Malay proverb
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"But after I lick that toad day and night, it'll sure as hell look smooth to me."
 ~ Rev. Wilds ( Dobbstown initiation oath )
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"Give me Slack, or give me Apache helicopters, Sidewinder Missiles and nuclear warheads."
 ~  Rev. Ivan Stang getting all worked up on Hour of Slack radio broadcast
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"How'd it be if J.R. "Bob" Dobbs gave you a molten lead enema as 'part of the satire'?"
 ~  Rev. Dr. Onan Canobite to hostile debunker caller
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"It's the bizarre idiots that act smart."
 ~  Rev. Capt. H. M. Smith
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"I think, therefore I'm going to have breakfast."
 ~  Charles Fort ("Bob's" third cousin)
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"The dicks you can't see are always longer."
 ~  Dobbs, 1957, in his cups in a bar after discovering his wife Connie had been having an affair.
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"Real sex is Fats Domino. Bad sex is... Pat Boone."
 ~  Rev. Bleepo Abernathy
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"The difference between Heaven and Hell is which end of the pitchfork you're on."
 ~  Rev. Sheldon DeWehr
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"So I says to him, I says: "Look. Either we all come from monkeys or we're supposed to be like this, and I don't like it either way." And he says, "Ich verstehe nicht." So I killed him.
 ~  Rev. Dr. Chris Gross
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"You do not fuck with a doktor unless he offers you the vaseline personally!"
 ~  G. Gordon Gordon
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"I'm going to ask you to exercise glands you never knew existed."
 ~  J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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"I am a man who pisses largely and frequently. This, they say, is a sign of great mental activity."
 ~  Henry Miller
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"He's an asshole
   but even assholes have dreams."
 ~  Sam Lowry in BRAZIL
"Mine certainly does."
 ~  "Bob"
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"Learn to be a Connoisseur of the Obvious."
 ~  Clevecclesians 6:14
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"What do you throw a Pink who's drowning in quicksand?"
"His wife and child."
 ~  Boxholder
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"WHO DIED AND MADE YOU GOD?"
 ~  J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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"Any time you can tape record a fart, you should.*"
 ~  J.R. "Bob" Dobbs in a new 1991(!) memo
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* "But don't leave it by phone on a friend's answering machine, because you won't want your face near your mouthpiece again for the rest of the day."
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"I'm not into SubGenius for the religious aspect so much. I see the Church more as... genetic stuntmen."
 ~  St. Joe Riley
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"I'm afraid I just got no use at all for any god that's little enough to fit inside of some old PILL."
 ~  Nenslo 1990
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"They'll take away my 'Frappy when they pry it out of my cold dead fingers."
 ~  Rev. Ivan Stang
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"ANYTHING THAT MAKES IT HARDER TO PEE IS ANTISLACK."
 ~  Sternodox
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"Without 'Frop I would go mad with ambition. I would beat my wife and kids. I believe in Salvation through 'Frop. If I 'Frop, it is so that others may live."
 ~  J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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"I can handle it -
   I know when to quit.
     FASTER, NHEE GHEE, MORE REEFERS!!!"
 ~  Billy Samuels
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"There'll be no smoking in the gas chamber."
 ~  Jimi Hendrix
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"I never leave until I bleed 'em out of house and Launch Pad."
 ~  Anonymous note (could be Cleve)
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"FREE THE DOBBSTOWN 2.71828!!!"
 ~  Batrix
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"I think I'll just lie here and try to dream some more about the Planet of the Beautiful Blind Women."
 ~  an anonymous lonely SubGenius boy with his dick in his hand
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"SubGenius is the link between revolution and evolution."
 ~  Batrix
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(With pictures of confederate flag and US flag):
My Pride Squirts White Stuff
   What Does Yours Do?
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PEE WEE HERMAN FOR PRESIDENT "Give us back our Willies!"
~ RAW
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Everyone here is stupid.
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The SubGenius must have Slack.
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Act like a dumbshit and they'll treat you like an equal.
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Don't just eat that hamburger, eat the HELL out of it!
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Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
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Just because some jackass is an atheist doesn't mean that his prophets and gods are any less false.
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Pull the wool over your own eyes.
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Relax in the safety of your own delusions.
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They may be Pink, but their money's still green!
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This "Church of the SubGenius" is the best scam I ever pulled.
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You'll PAY to know what you really think.
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You know how dumb the average person is? Well, by definition, half of 'em are even dumber than THAT.
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"Too much" is always better than not enough.
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I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I'm preaching to.
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Give me (Slack, food, money, a job, etc.), or KILL ME!
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Eternal Salvation — Or TRIPLE your money back!
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Why NOT a Goat?
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"Bob" smoked it. I bought it. That settles it!
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Do What Keepeth Thou from Wilting Shall Be the Loophole of The Law.
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I'd rather be lucky than good any day.
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I always lie . . . and I'm always right.
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There are two kinds of people in the world: those who say, "There are two kinds of people in the world: those who say there are two kinds of people in the world, and the other kind," and there's who don't say. Well, then there's me.
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If you have no Pipe I will give you one; if you do not, I will take it away from you.
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[on capital punishment]
Forgive them first... then kill them.
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[when asked if he was interested in discovering what was behind the Veil of Illusion]
HELL no! I'm interested in what's behind the veil of ORDINARY REALITY.
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Pull off your pants and roll in your own mistakes.
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In My Father's Midway Are Many Bumper Car Rides.
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I choose to believe in an afterlife only because it is too horrible to believe that such a cool stud as myself could be allowed to disappear from the universe. [Diary entry, age 15]
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There IS no God — but if you're any kind of real American, you'll demand that He treat you as an EQUAL.
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I am the global village idiot!
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If humor is based on the misfortune of others, then I suppose you might call me the greatest comedian of all time.
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Don't forgive them, for they know exactly what they do.
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The stupider it looks, the more important it probably is.
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