groucho

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
 -- Groucho Marx
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There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
 -- Groucho Marx
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I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
 -- Groucho Marx
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
 -- Groucho Marx
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No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
 -- Groucho Marx
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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
 -- Groucho Marx
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A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
 -- Groucho Marx
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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
 -- Groucho Marx
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A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
 -- Groucho Marx
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All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I intend to live forever, or die trying.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
 -- Groucho Marx
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The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Humor is reason gone mad.
 -- Groucho Marx
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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
 -- Groucho Marx
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Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
 -- Groucho Marx
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
 -- Groucho Marx
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She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
 -- Groucho Marx
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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
 -- Groucho Marx
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If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
 -- Groucho Marx
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My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
 -- Groucho Marx
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My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
 -- Groucho Marx
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A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
 -- Groucho Marx
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In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Women should be obscene and not heard.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
 -- Groucho Marx
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Room service? Send up a larger room.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
 -- Groucho Marx
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If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
 -- Groucho Marx
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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
 -- Groucho Marx
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From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second   thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
 -- Groucho Marx
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I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
 -- Groucho Marx
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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
 -- Groucho Marx
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My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
 -- Groucho Marx
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She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
 -- Groucho Marx
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There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
 -- Groucho Marx
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
 -- Groucho Marx
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